


Three Steps

by Townycod13



Category: South Park
Genre: F/M, M/M, mentions of kenny/kelly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-07-21 02:26:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16150589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Townycod13/pseuds/Townycod13
Summary: Kyle's working out some issues.





	1. Chapter 1

Kyle Broflovski had spent a great deal of his life figuring out exactly what he wanted out of it.

Money, fame, respect, stability, peace, excitement… there were probably as many ways to lead a life as there are people living. Kyle wasn’t indecisive, per se, but he did have a tendency to find a benefit and flaw in most everything. He could live for stability but what if that led to boredom and ultimately disenchantment with life? He could live for excitement but what if he grew numb to the surprises thrown his way and perished in the wake of irresponsible decision making?

He had to consider each option carefully. More importantly, whenever he made a decision he had to toe carefully towards it. He’d noticed by now that he had the tendency towards extremism. A quality that had never done him any favors.

He’d found a lifestyle that suited him, eventually, through trial and error. That seemed to be how he did everything. No one could warn him that something was a bad idea, he had to _experience_ the faulty decision for himself. It wasn’t a quality he reflected on kindly.

There, among his considerations for life and how it should be led, for what purposes it should be led, and what goals he should strive for, Kyle had stumbled upon his own three part recipe for ideal relationships.

He’d developed this in thoughts of romance but it had not slipped by his notice that it could be just as easily applied to friendships. Even towards family members, as a way of deciding which were truly toxic to retain in his life and which he ought to maintain contact with.

Step one was so simple it was laughable. It ought to be simple. Kyle felt it was important that it was step one though, because he’d more than once failed to account for it in all his relationships.

He had to _want_ the person. A simple thing. Just simple attraction. The feeling of warmth when a sibling or parent comforts you in a way only they know how, that presence that one can long for after a long absence of it. That desire to talk to a friend, to be around them and absorb the atmosphere that makes that person enjoyable. That skipped beat in time where the mere knowledge of that one person’s existence can curl up the lips and replenish depleted energy.

It was a fact, he’d noticed after much to long, that simply put: some people you were just attracted to. It wasn’t even their behavior, just something in the way they existed in reality that drew another person towards them.

Kyle had tried, awkwardly, on more than one occasion to force this chemistry. He’d found that just because he found someone a perfectly decent human being, that didn’t mean he found their presence at all enjoyable. It had been a painfully awkward lesson to learn.

Step two was also a seemingly simple thing that he’d brushed to the wayside but it was also very important. What sort of person did he _want_ to be in a relationship or friendship with?

One could be plenty attracted to an utter scumbag, that didn’t make the relationship viable. He had to carefully determine the types of people he wanted in his life. Where his hard lines were and where he was malleable.

Things like rampant irresponsibility were tiresome for him to deal with and he a preference to avoid that. He knew he liked people that listened, _actually_ listened, to what he had to say. He understood he wasn’t always the most pleasant to hear but he always spoke from his beliefs and he couldn’t help but be disheartened when people disregarded his words like scrap.

He liked appreciating the little things and questioning everything. He hated sheep-like behavior that followed whatever latest fad blindly. He enjoyed a good intellectual debate. He abhorred logical fallacies being used in place of actual reason.

There were a great many qualities in people that he enjoyed and great deal that he couldn’t contend with. That was the issue, he supposed, he had such strong opinions on such a great deal of matters that it should be impossible to meet someone that met them all.

All the same, he felt it was important to have a list of standards such as this. Understanding the sort of people he wanted to associate with and the sort of people he didn’t was important.

Step three was yet another he’d struggled with. Even if he found an individual meeting the earlier criterias to a tee, it was vital that step three was regarded with just as much concern. And it all boiled down to what sort of relationship did he want with the other party and was that a possibility.

This could be as broad as whether he wanted a professional distance, a close friendship, or a romantic intimacy.

It could be as detailed about what he wanted from the person. Constant gifts and affections, a distant but friendly acknowledgement, hugs with a gentle kiss every morning, or just a hand that ruffles his hair in a way that had a way of making his stomach swim with happiness.

They were three very simple steps that he was confident he could become at least somewhat successful in personal relationships.

It worked well for family. He’d found it easy to get such a balance with Ike, especially the older both of them became, and he’d found peace with his mother through these steps. His father was someone he’d found a way to distance himself from.

It was exceptional for friendships. He couldn’t meet all the aforementioned stages with Stan, but they were close enough to close gaps in step two, balancing each other out through strengths and weaknesses. Working together to become better to each other, even if they faltered from time to time. He pursued other friendships only when he’d met his conditions and it built strong lasting relationships that he was hopeful to maintain for a long time to come.

It was--It wasn’t that it was bad for relationships. It was _made_ for relationships. It was his sure-fire policy to stop locking himself into relationships where he didn’t give a fuck about the other person but dated them because they behaved the way he liked. Where he cared too much for the other person and they treated him however awfully they might like. Where he met only one or two of his fital criterias.

It was efficient in that way. He’d stopped.

The trouble was he normally had issues with having some combination of step three successfully obtained but only one of the earlier two. He’d never previously had the painful experience of both one and two being perfectly matched while three was somewhere off in the distance.

That is until his current predicament.

Love. What a stupid word. Love wasn’t real outside of an actual relationship in Kyle’s mind. Just an emotion without purpose. Still, his heart sung the word like a treacherous bastard as he walked home in the rain.

Of course it would rain. What a melodramatic turn of events. He wasn’t sure he could even resent it.

He just trudged through it and contemplated how he could be foolish enough to allow such a stupid course of events to take place.

Attractive. Physically and charismatically. A sunshine gleam in blond hair, freckles dusting his cheeks, and true blue eyes. A laugh that made Kyle’s insides dance, a calming presence, and a magnetism that was solely his own. Kyle didn’t just like being around the man, he liked how he _felt_ around the man. A combination of positive emotions so intermingled that he’d have to pry them apart with a microscope and tweezers.

And, unfortunately, the more he learned about him, the more he found qualities he loved and respected. It was alarming. He was learning _new_ qualities that he hadn’t known were a weakness inside him but there they were, a glaring testament to what he _wanted_ inside another human being. The strengths that that he respected, the weaknesses he wanted to help with.

Kyle had known Kenny McCormick his whole life.

Kyle had known Kenny McCormick’s strengths and weaknesses and thought nothing special of it.

Kenny McCormick was a person he enjoyed and thus a part of his childhood entourage.

Kenny McCormick who got taken away to live with a foster family in their teens and lived a life completely his own and separate.

Kyle wondered what could have happened if that had been different. Maybe he would have seen what he saw now and saved himself a long history of broken relationships. Never found the necessity for his rules.

Maybe, just maybe, he would have been able to change the finality of step three’s failure.

Because for all he found himself in love with and longing for the man that had casually swept back into his life, Kenny McCormick hadn’t moved back to town alone.

Kelly Walters, a blond girl with a large smile and a giving heart, a girl that had seen all of the qualities Kyle had missed out on before anyone caught on, clung to his arm with a rock on her finger.

And they were _happy_. It seemed they’d managed all the steps Kyle worked so hard on seamlessly.

Kelly would laugh, brush something from Kenny’s shoulder and call him “Lenny” like a joke that only the two of them needed. Kenny would giggle and hug her to him, resting his chin comfortably on her golden locks.

She was beautiful. He was gorgeous. They were a sweet and kind couple. The sort a person looked up and grew jealous of purely by how clear the love was.

There was so much love and understanding between them. They could catch each other’s eye from across a busy room and with a single nod understand a whole confirmation.

Kyle tried something like that with Stan before and despite all their twin like powers, the results had left quite a bit to be desired. Mostly because Kyle’s had meant to say ‘can you believe this asshole’ and Stan’s understanding was ‘this guy rocks, let’s invite him to hangout more’.

Kenny and Kelly never seemed to have those sorts of problems. They seemed to quite literally be made for each other.

A passerby gave him a once over for walking in the rain without an umbrella, Kyle took a page from Craig’s book in response. Umbrella’s were over-rated. Relationships were overrated.

Kyle was _more_ than happy to live alone and die alone. He was successful and happy. He’d gotten himself a nice law degree, started his own little firm in his hometown, and lived comfortably in the nicer parts of town surrounded by his loved ones.

He’d gotten everything he wanted out of life and he was _perfectly_ satisfied. That was exactly why he was walking home from work in the rain. Gloomily. Debating an unfair and one sided jealousy against perfectly decent human being that he couldn’t help but _hate_.

A bounce splashed the rain.

Kyle couldn’t help it, the sound alarmed him, it was definitely the sound of a ball against wet ground. He knew he was passing by the public b-ball court at the park but who would be playing in the rain like an idiot?

His breath caught at the sight.

It was a warm rain. There was no way such an act would have been allowed in the colder seasons. But it was still _raining_.

And there was Kenny McCormick practicing throws and dribbling somewhat clumsily.

Kyle couldn’t help but wonder when the last time he’d played was. Too long. His body itched to join.

It wouldn’t matter. His suit was already a lost cause in the gentle downpour.

Kenny had to have a magnetism to him. Kyle couldn’t explain his behavior any other way.

Because he grinned, shucked away his blazer, and stole the ball from the unsuspecting man.

“What th--Kyle?”

It was all net before Kyle turned to grin at the man.

“Wanna try some one-on-one?”

Kenny’s smile was contagious, if Kyle wasn’t already uplifted, this would have done just that.

And that was the _problem_.

For all his despair, self-hatred, and inability to move past an overpowering emotion within him, he _really_ enjoyed spending time with Kenny.

“You’re on, Suit!”

Kyle snorted, “Real creative.”

And he could play circles around Kenny. And playing in the rain was just asking for the both of them to get terribly sick or injured. And honestly this couldn’t even be considered a proper match. Not with the fouls and gigging and poking.

But Kyle was having the time of his life.

 _This_ , his heart sang, _this_ _is the three I want_. Just the two of them. Doing anything. Being anywhere. Together. Feeling as though it was only the two of them in the world. Or taking on the world together.

A particularly strong gust of wind had Kenny’s necklace dislodging from beneath his t-shirt.

The necklace that he hung his engagement ring from. A promise and a love.

 _No_ , his heart sank _, not enough_.

He wanted it all.

He wanted to be the one with an identical ring.

He wanted to wake up everyday and wrap his arms around Kenny and he wanted---

He choked up, allowing Kenny to steal the ball.

He _wanted_.

“WHOO!” Kenny cheered, hands held up in conquest, Kyle realized distantly it was the first point he’d managed, “Take it, Broflovski!”

Why hadn’t he seen this all sooner? Why couldn’t he just turn back the clock and interlace those fingers with his own before Kelly ever had the opportunity to?

Kyle panted to hide his inability to speak, gathered himself and pat his back dramatically, “I must be getting old if I let you one-up me.”

Kenny stuck out his tongue childishly, “We’re the same age, dude.”

“Ah, so you’re a geezer too.”

It was obvious that Kenny would noogie him. It was the sort of thing he’d do, reach up and pull down Kyle’s head to give him a friendly but firm graze on his scalp.

It was obvious but Kyle couldn’t prepare himself for any of the emotions raging within him. He’d never been all that good at repressing emotion.

He thanked the sky for the rain because his tears mixed in seamlessly.

“Oh, hey, Kelly’s here--” Oh god no. “I’ll catch you later, dude! We should totally do this shit again, that was fun as fuck.”

_Clearly not as fun as fucking Kelly if you’re just running off to be with her--_

Kyle hated how difficult it was to bite on those words, chew, and swallow. Like being asked to eat maggots.

“Yeah,” Kyle agreed weakly, “Catch you later.”

He turned to leave, the opposite direction of Kelly even though he needed to go that way eventually, but Kenny caught his wrist.

“You okay, dude? You sound kinda strained? Did you hurt yourself?”

_No, you hurt me, you insensitive--_

This was part of the problem. Most people wouldn’t notice or wouldn’t care. Kyle hated this.

“Just tired, long day at work before this,” he offered what he hoped was a believable smile, “Probably shouldn’t have done so much after the Tomson litigations. I swear they’re gonna be the end of me.”

Kenny didn’t look convinced but he let go with simple goodbyes, leaving to join his fiance.


	2. Chapter 2

Kyle got sick.

Of course he did. Playing in the rain like an idiot when he was already working himself half to death and was stressed to his core.

It was dumb.

It hurt.

But he could still go to work, so he did, and he could still get things done, so he did.

And he started taking his car despite the short distance between his home and work. No sense in running into Kenny. Seeing him play the sport that Kyle loved with his fiance. He could see them, sometimes, when he drove past. Sloppily dribbling and giggling with one another, missing the hoop by miles and having the time of their life.

Just happy together.

It was more nauseating than the actual illness sloshing around his insides.

It felt like they were purposefully flaunting it in front of him. Cruelly grinding the painful emotions that followed into his heart and tearing him apart.

Stupid Kelly. Stupid Kenny.

Stupid him.

It was mortifying somehow, like he was a blight on their perfect lives. Embarrassing even though he’d never spoken the words aloud.

He drove a little faster each time, hoping he could convince himself not to _look_.

He always looked. Always checked.

He was going to need to start taking a different route home.

Kyle made his way inside the apartment building and--when did he park?

He was definitely sicker than he thought. He slid to the floor as soon as he made it inside his apartment.

What a stupid life. What a stupid world.

His head thudded dully against the wood. Was it wood? He tried to think of the material commonly used to make doors in cheap apartments and he drew a blank.

Ridiculous.

The distinctly horrible feeling of diseased mucus attempting to run into his mouth forced him to wipe his _nice suit sleeve_ against the sore flesh beneath his nose.

So stupid.

He felt something warm and wholly unwelcome prick the corners of his eyes but he still couldn’t draw the strength to stand.

His suit was soiled. His face _hurt_. His body was one whole ache. His heart felt like--

He wasn’t going to go into how his heart felt. Suffice to saw it wasn’t pleasant.

Through it all he couldn’t hold in the laugh.

“I’m so stupid.”

The laugh released the sobs.

\---

He knew he had good chemistry with David.

Kyle rested his face on his palm and stared blankly at the desk across from his. Maybe not Mr. Perfect, but definitely Mr. Good Enough.

They have similar interests and enjoy one another's company. They have a lot going for them.

Kyle could definitely see building a happy and secure future with David. It would be realistic and work well.

Of course, David was happily married so that’s not an option.

Kyle slumped further into the ache of his wrist. Seemed that anyone worth his time or energy wasn’t available. Besides, just because a relationship with David would have worked on a hypothetical level, didn't mean that they liked each other romantically.

Kyle honestly couldn’t say he _wanted_ to be with David and he’d made that mistake in the past. Dating people based on a checklist rather than on emotions.

He’d also dated people purely on emotions without regard for the checklist.

Neither worked well.

“You need something?”

Of course David noticed him staring. Kyle sighed and lifted his head from its perch, feeling about a thousand pounds heavier, “A life.”

“A life.” David repeated, he wasn’t even bothering to look up from his paperwork. What a jerk.

Kyle pulled out some paperwork of his own, wishing he had a better explanation. He didn’t.

“I think I need to get a pet.”

“You hate pets.” David pointed out unhelpfully.

He did. They were messy, loud, and if anything bad happened to them it would be his fault. He just wasn’t willing to devote that much attention or energy into a being outside of himself.

Maybe that was a sign he shouldn’t be dating at all.

David was still sitting there, not even waiting for his response. Kyle had to argue. To debate. It was in his blood. He couldn’t let the accusation go unchecked without some form of correction.

“I like cats sometimes.”

“Uh-huh.” David didn’t sound convinced. He didn’t sound like he gave even a single fuck.

Kyle wasn’t going to win this round. It was time to accept it.

“I do!”

Kyle was absolutely terrible at admitting defeat. Another thing in his blood.

David finally looked up and it didn’t help matters, especially when he actually opened his mouth, “Well, if you’re serious, I heard Kenny was looking for homes for some kittens. Apparently his cat recently gave birth?”

Fuck.

Kyle tried to find an emotion. None were forthcoming.

“I didn’t know he had a cat.”

David shrugged, “Red and I were asked if we wanted to adopt one.”

Well.

Ow.

No one had asked him.

Was it just a couple thing? Were couples the only ones allowed to be interested in adopting kittens? Did Kenny just not trust him with a pet?

Was he just--

Kyle swallowed the thoughts as he stood, hand gripping his coffee mug just a bit too tight.

He opened his mouth to find a response, a way to finish the conversation but David had already returned to his work.

Kyle refilled his coffee. And if he stared at the dark liquid in the break room for a few minutes, no one knew or cared.

Warm liquid to ease his raw throat, hoarse with emotions he kept hidden.

\---

The heat was so intense he felt dizzy in its wake. But this was just how he healed. This was how he numbed. The water around him seared and colored his flesh but he embraced it. Lobster colored skin would match his own obnoxious hair.

He couldn’t settle his nerves, his thoughts, his emotions, the disquiet within him always crying _why, why_ like a bratty child.

He sank beneath the surface, letting the heat cover his face and hopefully his thoughts.

It would be nice if he could be in this heat with someone else. Perhaps he wouldn’t need to nearly boil himself alive in a bath. Perhaps he would feel satisfied in the lukewarm water of happiness while a giggling companion caressed his cheek and breathed his name.

A whole fucking lot of perhaps but that didn’t do a single fucking thing to change reality. Reality was simple. He was alone and attempting to boil himself alive just to scrub off the mortification of the day.

He liked to take baths as a reward. Read a book, sip some coffee, settle beneath the surface during a nice weekend.

Today he dipped in shame.

His thoughts had escaped him, spiraled and been taken out of his control. He’d thought too dangerously and now he wanted nothing more than to drown.

Thoughts of blond hair tossing beneath him and soft lips begging for more.

“He’s getting _married_.” Kyle growled, sinking his chin beneath the water to glower at the surface.

He was desperate. He could feel it with each horrible passing day. He’d always thought of himself as a morally upstanding person but he _knew_ deep down, that in his current state, if Kenny knocked on his door and whispered words like _she doesn’t need to know_ he’d—

Well, the hilarious aspect of that particular fantasy is he would no longer be the Kenny who Kyle adored. Despite every rumor and taunt, Kyle had not once seen Kenny be anything less than faithful.

He had always been that way. With friendships, with relationships, with family, Kenny was loyal and committed. He would never do something so horrible.

Kyle hated himself because he didn’t think he currently met that same standard. Hated how many times he’d entertained thoughts of _what if Kelly called it off tomorrow and broke Kenny’s heart_ or _what if, heaven forbid, Kelly was in a tragic accident and Kenny needed someone to help him grieve_.

It was disgusting. He was disgusting.

He hid beneath the surface again, eyes shut tight against his thoughts and counting the seconds before he’d have to reclaim breath.

Did it count as water boarding if he was doing it to himself?

He burst up again, a relief of _air_ and light, before he sank back into the cooling water, eyes staring sightlessly towards the ceiling.

Kenny was _happy_ and there was absolutely no point pondering it further. Kenny was _in love_ and viewing him in this way was a grave breach of their friendship. Kenny had never done anything to deserve this—this _disrespect_. These half baked wishes against his happiness.

 _Half-baked_. If only. His favorite fantasy on a slow workday was to get that call or text, something happened, no more wedding, Kenny is not only single but interested.

 _That was the worst part_.

He felt the water creep from his eyes.

Even if something awful were to happen and Kenny’s happiness was _shattered_ … Kenny still wouldn’t love Kyle.

And that hurt more than anything.

He wanted to think he had a shot, if only things were different they could be together! They could be happy!

But the truth was simple, if Kyle were the one Kenny loved, he wouldn’t be marrying Kelly.

Kyle sank beneath the water, letting it absorb his darkest wishes.

\--

If there was one thing that Kyle definitively despised, it was being a stereotype. A statistic. A confirmation to the world's biases.

It was for that exact reason he'd worked so hard to learn how to dance competently after Cartman oh so gleefully pointed out that he had ‘no rhythm’.

Kyle wouldn’t be a stereotype. Not if he could help it. Not if there was something he could do to avoid it.

Yet here he was. Staring listlessly at the frozen food aisle in his late twenties. An adult male about to bring home another unappetizing microwave dinner to celebrate his miserable single existence.

He corrected the thought. He wasn't miserable _because_ he was single. Single life could be awesome. He was miserable _and_ single. Something he preferred not to dwell on too long.

Oh, but dwell he did. Dwelling may as well be his default setting for all he was able to resist it. He’d think he’d switched it off and then each morning as his body restarted, there it was again.

The frozen broccoli looked awful but he was craving vegetables.

He could pop over to the _unfrozen_ aisles of the store but then he would have to actually cook what he purchased.

Kyle sighed and dragged the gross package into his basket, moving along as he did so.

It wasn’t that Kyle _couldn’t_ cook. He wasn’t an idiot. It was just that the bone-tired exhaustion that had long since settled on his bones had other plans.

If he bought fresh produce it would just rot away in a corner of his fridge awaiting a day he could chase away the pain long enough to rise from his fetal position.

That was pathetic. He was pathetic. And a stereotype.

Up-to and including longing thoughts lingering at the corners of his thoughts for someone to cook and cuddle. Someone with a megawatt smile and a gentle touch. Someone who would tease him for craving broccoli of all things.

He had a very specific someone in mind.

Unproductive. That’s what those thoughts were. And Kyle was nothing if not a productive member of society.

No, he corrected the thought at self check, he was nothing but a productive member of society.


End file.
